how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
