he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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