He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
