Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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