I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
