hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I intend to get homeless drunk
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
