Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
