ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
