Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
