She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
