Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
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