she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Still dying that you shit outside
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
