i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Randomize
