i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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