I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
