I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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