so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
