I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
