i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
