I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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