I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
