Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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