my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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