Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
