Where is the hickey?
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
