Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
True strength comes from lack of pants
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
