I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
