in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize