Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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