Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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