I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize
