I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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