Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Quick, to the slutcave!
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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