I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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