flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Randomize
