the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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