Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
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