My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Randomize
