how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
