My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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