my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
