i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
