I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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