What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Randomize
