I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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