I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
