I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Everclear isn't food dammit
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
