Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
