Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
