I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
