Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
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