my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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