3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
