Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
