6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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