I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
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