Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
