before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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