you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Randomize
