If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
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