So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Randomize
