You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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