Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
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